How parenting coordination helps separated parents improve coparenting communication and resolve conflict

Separated parents often carry the habits of the courtroom into their daily communication. Messages are written carefully, sometimes as if a judge will read them. This defensiveness makes it hard to talk about children without tension.

In parenting coordination, I see how parents read messages through what I call a “grubby lens”. Every word is filtered through years of mistrust and past conflict. They assume motives instead of seeking understanding.

A key part of improving coparenting communication is learning to remove that lens. I encourage parents to share how they interpreted a message and ask the other parent if that is what was meant. Most of the time, it was not. That simple exchange begins to replace assumption with curiosity. Over time, parents start to clarify before reacting and ask questions instead of judging. These small changes rebuild genuine communication.

Some level of disagreement or conflict between coparents is inevitable, but how we manage it determines whether families stay stuck or move forward. Many relationships break down because of poor communication or an inability to resolve conflict in healthy ways. By the time parents reach parenting coordination, their conflict patterns often feel automatic.

In my work as a mediator, Family Dispute Resolution Provider and parenting coordinator, I focus on helping parents understand those patterns.
Some couples have repeated them for years; others developed them under stress. Recognising them is the first step to change.

To guide that process, I use a resource called Our Family in Two Homes. It helps parents explore their communication and conflict styles privately, at their own pace. It is not an assessment; it is a reflection tool that encourages self-awareness.

Through it, parents often notice patterns like one person “fighting to be right” while the other avoids conflict. In coparenting, this leaves problems unresolved. The fighter feels ignored, and the avoider feels attacked.

I once worked with a father who described himself as passionate and outspoken. When I asked how he handled conflict at work, he laughed, saying “Jennifer if I did that at work I would lose my job!”.   That insight changed everything. He realised he already had the skills to stay calm and constructive;  he just needed to use them with his co-parent.  Treating coparenting as a role that required the same respect and professionalism helped him improve co-parenting communication dramatically.

This is what parenting coordination aims to achieve: helping parents adapt their approach so they can communicate more effectively and reduce conflict for their tamariki.

If we are to improve coparenting communication, we also need to understand how each parent processes information and makes decisions. Many people think of extroverts and introverts in social terms, but in parenting coordination, it relates to thinking style.

Extroverts often think out loud, talking through ideas as they form them. Introverts process internally and only share once they have reached a conclusion. When one parent is an extrovert and the other is an introvert, it can easily cause misunderstanding.

An introvert might interpret an extrovert’s open thinking as a final decision. The extrovert feels dismissed, while the introvert feels blind-sided. Recognising these differences early helps prevent unnecessary conflict.

The Our Family in Two Homes resource helps parents identify their styles. If I know that one parent needs to process out loud, I may suggest we do that privately just with me, before a joint session. That keeps discussions calmer and prevents misinterpretation.

When parents understand that their differences are about processing, not power, empathy grows. They start to hear each other differently, and that is when co-parenting communication truly begins to improve.

Healthy coparenting communication relies on reflection. The Our Family in Two Homes resource encourages parents to pause, think about their values and triggers, and consider what kind of communication they want to model for their children.

When they bring this reflection into parenting coordination sessions, conversations become more thoughtful. They respond with purpose, not emotion. Parents often tell me that as they learn to communicate better with each other, their relationships with their children improve too.

Parenting coordination is not about perfect communication; it is about progress. Each time a parent pauses before replying, checks an assumption or listens with curiosity, they take a step toward cooperation.

Through working with me using the Our Family in Two Homes resource, parents learn to recognise their patterns, understand their triggers and respond more thoughtfully. They begin to see that choosing understanding over reaction benefits everyone, especially their tamariki.

Improved co-parenting communication creates a calmer, more stable environment for children. That is the purpose of parenting coordination: helping families move from conflict to cooperation, one conversation at a time.

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.