When parents interpret parenting arrangements differently

From the Parenting Coordinator’s Desk

One situation that arises regularly in Parenting Coordination work involves school communication.

A teacher sends an email about an upcoming school activity. Both parents receive the message because the school has both parents listed as contacts.

One parent replies immediately with questions about the event and offers to organise transport. Within minutes the other parent responds, frustrated that the first parent replied without discussing it first.

What began as a simple school communication quickly becomes a disagreement between the parents.

In situations like this, both parents often believe they are acting appropriately.

One parent may feel it is completely normal to respond directly to the school. From their perspective they are simply being proactive and engaged in their child’s education.

The other parent may feel that school communication should be discussed between the parents first. They may believe that replying without consultation undermines the shared parenting structure.

Before long the discussion shifts away from the school activity itself and becomes a broader dispute about respect, decision-making, and communication.

In most cases, the disagreement is not really about the school email.

The issue is that each parent has a different expectation about how communication with the school should occur.

One parent expects direct communication with the school whenever necessary.
The other expects the parents to coordinate responses before communicating externally.

Neither expectation is necessarily unreasonable. The difficulty is that the parenting arrangements may not clearly address how situations like this should be handled.

Without shared expectations, small everyday parenting situations can quickly trigger repeated conflict.

During Parenting Coordination sessions, situations like this are explored carefully with both parents.

The focus is not on determining who was right or wrong in the original situation. Instead the conversation shifts toward understanding each parent’s expectations.

Once those expectations are identified, the Parenting Coordinator helps the parents develop a practical approach for handling similar situations in the future.

For example, parents might agree on a simple communication protocol about school matters. They may agree that certain communications can be handled directly, while others should first be discussed between the parents.

These practical agreements help prevent the same misunderstanding from recurring.

Once expectations are clarified, many of these disputes disappear.

The next time a school email arrives, both parents understand how communication will be handled. Instead of debating the issue again, they follow the agreed process.

The situation that previously triggered conflict becomes routine.

Situations like this illustrate a common pattern in post-separation parenting disputes.

Parents are not necessarily refusing to follow parenting arrangements. Instead they are interpreting the arrangements differently or bringing different assumptions about how everyday parenting decisions should operate.

Parenting Coordination helps families identify these differences and develop practical agreements that reduce conflict over time.

Parenting Coordination New Zealand | Your Pathway to Positive Parenting

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.