When parents separate, life can feel like a constant round of negotiations: school timetables, holidays, changeovers, and the unexpected challenges that come with raising children across two homes. Even when you have court orders or a parenting plan in place, new issues can still appear. This is where a parenting coordinator can help.
As a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider, I have worked with many parents who tell me that the hardest part is not reaching an agreement; it is managing everything afterwards. That is where a parenting coordinator can make a real difference.
In this article, I will explain what a parenting coordinator is, what I actually do in that role, and how parenting coordination can help your family, especially your children.
What a parenting coordinator is
A parenting coordinator is a neutral professional who helps separated parents carry out and comply with their existing parenting agreements or court orders. My role is to help you resolve day-to-day issues, improve communication, and make decisions more easily, so your children can enjoy stability and peace between homes.
I do not replace your lawyer, mediator, or the court
Instead, I work alongside those supports, focusing on the practical realities of co-parenting after separation.
What I do as a parenting coordinator
• Help you interpret and apply parenting orders or agreements when questions arise
• Support discussions about schooling, extracurricular activities, health care, and routines
• Provide helpful tools like Our Family in Two Homes and BIFF for Coparent Communication
• Teach effective communication strategies, so conversations do not escalate
• Provide a structured way to raise and resolve issues before they become major disputes
• Keep the focus on your children’s needs and emotional wellbeing
• Make recommendations on smaller matters
Parenting coordination is not therapy
It is a practical, forward-looking process designed to help families communicate more calmly and make consistent decisions.
Why parents might choose to work with a parenting coordinator
Parents often come to me after realising that the same arguments keep resurfacing.
It might be about changes to schedules, miscommunication about school events, or difficulties during changeovers.
Over time, these repeated frustrations can erode trust and increase tension.
Working with a parenting coordinator provides a safe, neutral space to manage those challenges.
My job is to help you shift from emotional reactions to practical solutions. That often means fewer solicitor letters, fewer court applications, and less stress for everyone involved.
Parenting coordination is not about deciding who is right
it is about helping parents find what is right for their children.
How a parenting coordinator helps children
Everything I do in parenting coordination comes back to one question:
How is this helping your child?
Children thrive when the adults in their lives can communicate respectfully and keep conflict to a minimum. When parents argue or undermine each other, your tamariki can feel anxious, guilty, or caught in the middle.
By working with a parenting coordinator, parents can:
Reduce children’s exposure to conflict
Disagreements are handled privately and quickly, so your children see less tension.
Create consistency
When both homes follow clear, agreed routines, children feel safe and secure.
Model respectful problem-solving
Your children learn positive communication by watching you.
Stay focused on what matters
Every discussion comes back to what supports your child’s wellbeing.
One of the most rewarding parts of my work is seeing children relax when their parents start communicating better. It is a visible reminder of why this process matters for whānau.
Benefits and things to consider about parenting coordination
Benefits
- Quicker resolution of everyday parenting issues
- Fewer court applications and legal costs
- Clearer, calmer communication between parents
- More stability and consistency for children
- Support for cooperative, sustainable co-parenting
Things to consider
- Both parents need to agree to the process
- The coordinator’s authority must be clearly defined in writing
- Parenting coordination does not replace mediation or legal advice
- Costs and scope should be agreed at the start
How parenting coordinators work around the world
Parenting coordination began in the United States in the 1990s. It is now widely used in Canada, South Africa, and Australia. While each country has its own system, the goal is the same: to give families an ongoing way to manage conflict and stay out of court.
Many parenting coordinators globally operate under the AFCC Guidelines for Parenting Coordination, or a local variation of them. Parenting Coordination New Zealand’s Standards and Guidelines are based on the AFCC Guidelines. However, we have modified them to be suitable for Aotearoa New Zealand and our legal and cultural differences.
Parenting coordinators in some countries are authorised to make binding decisions about issues that are disputed.
That does not happen in New Zealand.
Frequently asked questions about parenting coordinators
Is a parenting coordinator’s recommendation legally binding?
No. New Zealand Parenting Coordinators are not decision makers.
Can either parent end the parenting coordination process?
It depends. If you have a court order appointing a parenting coordinator you may be required to attend for a specified length of time. Most parenting coordination agreements can be ended by mutual agreement.
What if communication between us is already hostile?
That is okay. Parenting coordinators are trained to manage high-conflict situations and create structured ways to communicate safely. It's a big part of what we do.
Does a parenting coordinator replace mediation?
No. Mediation is for reaching initial agreements. Parenting coordination is for implementing and maintaining those agreements over time. If you have a disagreement about something like ongoing parenting time, then that is when you should return to mediation or family dispute resolution to work through that.
Read more frequently asked questions about parenting coordination.
How to choose the right parenting coordinator
Choosing someone you both trust is essential.
What to Look for in a Parenting Coordinator
- ✔ Has specialist training in family law, mediation, or FDR
- ✔ Understands child development and the impact of conflict
- ✔ Works in line with best-practice guidelines
- ✔ Is trained in Parenting Coordination via a course that meets the AFCC/Parenting Coordination New Zealand Guidelines for Parenting Coordination
- ✔ Is certified by Parenting Coordination New Zealand
All Parenting Coordination New Zealand Parenting Coordinators are certified by us, and adhere to our Guidelines and Professional Standards, and focus on helping families reduce conflict and support tamariki wellbeing.
Final thoughts
Parenting after separation is rarely simple, but it does not have to stay stressful.
A parenting coordinator can help you move from conflict to cooperation, not by deciding for you, but by helping you make decisions together.
If you are finding co-parenting difficult or just want a calmer, more structured way forward, I would be happy to talk with you about how parenting coordination can help your family.
About the author
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parenting Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.