How parenting coordination helps children

I am often asked how parenting coordination helps children. My answer is simple. It reduces conflict children absorb. It helps parents build calmer, more consistent homes. I have seen this many times in practice. Children do not need perfect parents. They need safe routines and respectful communication. That is why parenting coordination exists.

Why conflict harms children more than separation

The research is clear: parental conflict causes harm to children, not separation or divorce itself. Children feel stress when parents argue or avoid each other. They carry that stress between homes.

Here is a brief example from my work:

Two parents had not spoken for years. Changeovers happened in silence with witnesses and CCTV. I suggested a small change at changeover:

• Say hello
• Place the bags in the other parent’s boot
• Share one helpful detail for the day

The daughter, aged 14, saw this happen. She asked, “Do you and Dad not hate each other anymore?” Her question said everything. A tiny behaviour change shifted her world.

Another family met for changeover at a park. One parent stood at the top of the hill and the other stood at the bottom. The children walked alone, up or down, carrying their bags. That scene sent a strong message. There was a mountain between their parents, and the children were expected to climb it, alone. 

Children see themselves as part of each parent. If parents reject each other, children feel partly rejected. Respectful behaviour tells children they are fully accepted. Parenting coordination helps parents see these patterns. Then we change them, step by step.

What children need to feel safe between homes

Children need predictability across both homes.

They need low conflict around changeovers and messages.

They need space to love both parents.

They need clear information that matches reality.

They need adults who regulate emotions and model calm.

Parenting coordination helps meet those needs:

• We focus on practical routines and respectful communication.
• We keep decisions child focussed and timely.
• We document agreements in simple, clear language.

How parenting coordination supports tamariki and whānau

Parenting coordination is a post-orders process. I help parents implement what they have agreed or the Family Court has ordered.

We focus on daily issues that trigger conflict. I coach communication and set clear meeting structures. I help parents interpret orders in everyday life.

In New Zealand I make recommendations, not decisions. Parents remain responsible for final choices.

I work respectfully with Māori families and diverse families, including same-sex parents and multicultural families. Every whānau is different. The process adapts to the family.

How child inclusive parenting coordination helps children

Some children resist time with a parent. Parents often cannot reach the core issue. Child inclusion can help in those cases. Child inclusive parenting coordination is a structured process. A trained child consultant meets with the child. The consultant gathers the child’s experiences and views. This is not therapy or counselling. It is a safe way to inform parents. It helps parents understand what the child needs.

I involve an experienced child consultant in parenting coordination when needed. I do this only with clear purpose and consent.

Here is a brief example:

The parents had long-standing orders and growing tension. One child was suddenly resisting spending time with a parent. No Voice of Child process had ever occurred. I engaged an experienced child consultant to meet with the children.  They shared their experiences across both homes. The parents then understood what was really happening. We adjusted routines within the existing framework. The children felt heard and more secure, and we were able to get things back on track.

Building new communication habits in parenting coordination helps children

Relationship patterns often survive separation. Many parents have mismatched communication styles. Some manage conflict well at work, not at home. Old patterns can undermine coparenting after orders. That is normal. It is also fixable. I use clear frameworks during sessions.

The Our Family in Two Homes resource helps and I use it with all my families. We organise topics and reduce emotional overload. We practise brief, respectful messages with clear requests. We agree email or message boundaries and response times. We keep children out of adult problem-solving.

Sometimes, though, people have never developed a relationship or communication

Here is another brief example of when I had a family in that situation:

These parents had never lived together. Their relationship ended during pregnancy. Court orders set a stepped increase for time but had some ambiguity.

They needed to start basic communication from scratch. I helped them interpret the orders together. We set a shared Google Calendar for clarity. We met before each step up in time.

Eventually, they decided to meet for coffee at a public place, with support nearby. One parent said, “We can graduate from you, Jennifer“.  That is the goal. Parents learn skills and then manage alone. Parenting coordination helps children because they benefit from calmer, clearer communication between their parents.

Five ways parenting coordination helps children

1. Lower conflict at changeovers and in messages.
2. More predictable routines and consistency across both homes.
3. Faster solutions to everyday problems.
4. Safe ways to include the child’s perspective.
5. Parents model respect, which children internalise.

Most of all, parenting coordination helps children by showing them they are loved by both parents and that they don’t have to be in the middle or to choose.

If you want help for your family, please contact us. You can find a Parenting Coordinator on our directory of Parenting Coordinators. If you are a professional, you can do parenting coordination training and become certified by us.  Join the waitlist to be part of our founding trainee group.

About the author

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parenting Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.