The hill between the parents

As a Parenting Coordinator, I often see how small actions between parents can speak volumes to their children. One moment, one routine, can quietly tell a story. Not through words, but through what children see and feel.

One family I worked with taught me just how powerful those unspoken messages can be.

These parents met at a local park for their changeovers. Their court orders simply said that changeover would happen there.

But what the orders did not say, and what I observed, was the impact of how they were doing it.

Each parent parked in a different place: one at the top of a steep hill, the other at the bottom. Neither moved from their position. When the children arrived, they had to carry their own bags up or down that hill to reach the other parent. No greetings. No smiles. No conversation.

Just a silent climb.

It struck me how literal the scene was. These children were climbing a mountain every time they moved between homes.

Children are remarkably perceptive. They read meaning into everything their parents do, and what they do not do.

When parents avoid each other completely, the message that children receive is that the parents cannot even be in the same space and cannot share a moment without tension. Over time, that silence can tell a child: “This is too hard. You are the problem that connects us.”

Children often see themselves as part of both parents. So when one parent avoids the other, the child can interpret that as rejection of a part of themselves. It can leave them feeling torn, anxious, or guilty for loving both parents.

That is not something court orders or parenting plans can fix on their own. It is something that needs understanding, reflection, and change.

In our parenting coordination work together, I gently helped the parents reflect on what those actions might be saying to their children.

At first, they resisted the idea that this small detail could matter. They said, “We are just following the orders.” But we explored what their children might feel walking alone up or down that hill.

Through discussion and reflection, the parents began to see how their behaviour, though unintended, might be creating emotional distance. They agreed to try something new.

At the next changeover, they parked closer together. One parent helped the children with their bags. The other smiled and said hello. It was simple, brief, and respectful.

But it was a start.

And as those moments built up, the children began to feel more secure. They no longer had to climb the hill alone, literally or emotionally.

Parenting coordination is not about perfection. It is about progress. It helps parents see how their interactions shape their children’s sense of safety and belonging.

In this case, a small change sent a powerful new message:

And that, for children, can make all the difference.

If any part of this story feels familiar, know that change is possible. Parenting coordination helps parents find new ways to communicate and resolve issues that keep conflict alive.

Sometimes, it starts with something as small as changing how you do a changeover.

You can learn more about Parenting Coordination in Aotearoa New Zealand and find a Parenting Coordinator via our Parenting Coordination directory.

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.