What to do when your ex isn’t following the parenting orders
My ex won’t stick to the parenting orders. What can I do?
It can feel deeply frustrating when the other parent does not follow the parenting orders.
You might have worked hard to reach those agreements, or been through a court process that took months (or even years).
When the other parent does not follow what was decided, it can leave you feeling powerless and angry.
Taking the matter back to court
It is possible to return to court if the other parent is not complying with orders. But that path is rarely simple or quick.
Even if you choose to represent yourself, you will face lost time at work, court delays, paperwork, and stress. If you engage a lawyer, you could spend thousands of dollars. And while a court can make further orders or penalise a parent for not following them, it does not resolve why the problem is happening in the first place.
Court is a blunt instrument. It can enforce orders, but it cannot change behaviour or rebuild trust.
When orders are not workable
Sometimes, parents fail to follow parenting orders not because they are unwilling, but because the arrangements are not working in practice.
Life changes. Work schedules shift, children grow older, new partners or blended families come into the picture. What looked fair and balanced on paper can start to create tension in real life. When that happens, frustration builds, and one parent may stop following the orders altogether.
In those situations, punishment rarely fixes the problem. Understanding and communication do.
Uncovering what is really going on
A Parenting Coordinator can help parents explore the reasons behind repeated breaches of orders.
Are they being deliberately difficult? Or is there an underlying issue that needs to be solved?
For example, a parent might keep failing to take the children to extracurricular activities. On the surface, it looks like they are ignoring the orders. But perhaps their work schedule changed, or they cannot afford the activity, or they are unsure how to manage the logistics alone.
When parents have a structured space to talk through what is actually happening, they often discover that the problem is not defiance but difficulty.
Working with a Parenting Coordinator
Parenting Coordination provides a supported process for resolving these ongoing issues. The coordinator works with both parents to identify practical solutions and improve communication.
Rather than another trip to court, it offers a chance to move forward together.
When parents understand each other’s challenges, even slightly, they can often adjust routines or expectations in ways that reduce conflict and help the children feel more secure between homes.
The goal: less conflict, more cooperation
At the heart of Parenting Coordination is the belief that court should be the last resort, not the first.
The focus is not blame but problem solving.
When parents find ways to make the orders work in real life, they create a calmer, more predictable environment for their tamariki. That stability helps children thrive across both homes.
About the author
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.
