Parenting Coordination
New Zealand
Parenting Coordination
New Zealand
Recently our co-founders presented to family law professionals explaining Parenting Coordination and how it helps parents.
This webinar explains parenting coordination through the eyes of a child, Lily, also covering core concepts related to Parenting Coordination and how it differs from other processes, roles, and interventions in the family law system.
One situation that arises regularly in Parenting Coordination work involves school communication.
A teacher sends an email about an upcoming school activity. Both parents receive the message because the school has both parents listed as contacts.
One parent replies immediately with questions about the event and offers to organise transport. Within minutes the other parent responds, frustrated that the first parent replied without discussing it first.
What began as a simple school communication quickly becomes a disagreement between the parents.
In situations like this, both parents often believe they are acting appropriately.
One parent may feel it is completely normal to respond directly to the school. From their perspective they are simply being proactive and engaged in their child’s education.
The other parent may feel that school communication should be discussed between the parents first. They may believe that replying without consultation undermines the shared parenting structure.
Before long the discussion shifts away from the school activity itself and becomes a broader dispute about respect, decision-making, and communication.
In most cases, the disagreement is not really about the school email.
The issue is that each parent has a different expectation about how communication with the school should occur.
One parent expects direct communication with the school whenever necessary.
The other expects the parents to coordinate responses before communicating externally.
Neither expectation is necessarily unreasonable. The difficulty is that the parenting arrangements may not clearly address how situations like this should be handled.
Without shared expectations, small everyday parenting situations can quickly trigger repeated conflict.
During Parenting Coordination sessions, situations like this are explored carefully with both parents.
The focus is not on determining who was right or wrong in the original situation. Instead the conversation shifts toward understanding each parent’s expectations.
Once those expectations are identified, the Parenting Coordinator helps the parents develop a practical approach for handling similar situations in the future.
For example, parents might agree on a simple communication protocol about school matters. They may agree that certain communications can be handled directly, while others should first be discussed between the parents.
These practical agreements help prevent the same misunderstanding from recurring.
Once expectations are clarified, many of these disputes disappear.
The next time a school email arrives, both parents understand how communication will be handled. Instead of debating the issue again, they follow the agreed process.
The situation that previously triggered conflict becomes routine.
Situations like this illustrate a common pattern in post-separation parenting disputes.
Parents are not necessarily refusing to follow parenting arrangements. Instead they are interpreting the arrangements differently or bringing different assumptions about how everyday parenting decisions should operate.
Parenting Coordination helps families identify these differences and develop practical agreements that reduce conflict over time.
Parenting Coordination New Zealand | Your Pathway to Positive Parenting
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.
When parents separate, children often carry more than adults realise.
If your child seems anxious before changeovers, avoids talking about the other home, or becomes unusually quiet when you mention the other parent, they may be experiencing what is known as a loyalty bind.
A loyalty bind happens when a child feels they must protect one parent from the other. They believe, often silently, that loving one parent might hurt the other. Over time, this emotional pressure can affect their confidence, behaviour, and sense of security.
A loyalty bind is not usually caused by one dramatic event. It develops slowly.
Children are highly attuned to tone, facial expressions, and tension. Even subtle comments like, “I suppose you had more fun there,” or visible frustration during changeovers can signal to a child that affection is risky.
They begin to split their world in two. What happens at one home stays there. Positive stories are edited. Feelings are hidden.
For tamariki, this can feel exhausting.
Children rarely say, “I feel stuck between you.” Instead, it shows up in behaviour.
You might notice:
Anxiety before or after contact
Reluctance to share experiences from the other home
Anger directed at one parent after time with the other
Attempts to mediate adult disagreements
Physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach aches
These behaviours are not defiance. They are coping strategies.
When children feel responsible for managing adult emotions, they take on a burden that is not developmentally appropriate.
If co-parenting tension escalates, some parents consider returning to court. Court can clarify arrangements and enforce orders. But it cannot regulate tone, rebuild trust, or teach new communication skills.
Loyalty binds are emotional dynamics. They sit beneath the surface of parenting schedules and written agreements.
You can have perfectly drafted parenting orders and still have a child who feels torn between homes.
Court is designed to determine rights and responsibilities. It is not designed to repair relational strain.
Breaking a loyalty bind does not require perfection. It requires awareness.
Simple shifts can make a meaningful difference:
Speak neutrally about the other parent, even when frustrated
Avoid asking children to report back about what happens in the other home
Reassure them that it is safe to love both parents
Keep adult concerns out of earshot
When children feel free to enjoy both homes without emotional consequences, their nervous system settles. They become more relaxed and confident.
Sometimes, despite best intentions, patterns are hard to shift. Longstanding conflict, unresolved resentment, or communication breakdown can keep children in the middle.
Parenting Coordination provides a structured, child-focused process to address these patterns.
Instead of focusing on blame, the process looks at behaviour. What is happening that places the child under pressure? What needs to change? What practical steps can reduce tension?
Parents are supported to develop communication strategies that lower conflict and create consistency across homes. The aim is not to revisit the past but to build workable, child-centred solutions for the future.
When adults adjust even small behaviours, the emotional load on tamariki reduces significantly.
Children should not have to choose sides. They should not feel responsible for adult emotions. They deserve to feel secure in both homes.
If your child seems caught in the middle, it does not mean you have failed. It means something in the dynamic needs attention.
With the right support, it is possible to break the loyalty bind and create a calmer, more predictable environment where your child can simply be a child.
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.
It can feel deeply frustrating when the other parent does not follow the parenting orders.
You might have worked hard to reach those agreements, or been through a court process that took months (or even years).
When the other parent does not follow what was decided, it can leave you feeling powerless and angry.
It is possible to return to court if the other parent is not complying with orders. But that path is rarely simple or quick.
Even if you choose to represent yourself, you will face lost time at work, court delays, paperwork, and stress. If you engage a lawyer, you could spend thousands of dollars. And while a court can make further orders or penalise a parent for not following them, it does not resolve why the problem is happening in the first place.
Court is a blunt instrument. It can enforce orders, but it cannot change behaviour or rebuild trust.
Sometimes, parents fail to follow parenting orders not because they are unwilling, but because the arrangements are not working in practice.
Life changes. Work schedules shift, children grow older, new partners or blended families come into the picture. What looked fair and balanced on paper can start to create tension in real life. When that happens, frustration builds, and one parent may stop following the orders altogether.
In those situations, punishment rarely fixes the problem. Understanding and communication do.
A Parenting Coordinator can help parents explore the reasons behind repeated breaches of orders.
Are they being deliberately difficult? Or is there an underlying issue that needs to be solved?
For example, a parent might keep failing to take the children to extracurricular activities. On the surface, it looks like they are ignoring the orders. But perhaps their work schedule changed, or they cannot afford the activity, or they are unsure how to manage the logistics alone.
When parents have a structured space to talk through what is actually happening, they often discover that the problem is not defiance but difficulty.
Parenting Coordination provides a supported process for resolving these ongoing issues. The coordinator works with both parents to identify practical solutions and improve communication.
Rather than another trip to court, it offers a chance to move forward together.
When parents understand each other’s challenges, even slightly, they can often adjust routines or expectations in ways that reduce conflict and help the children feel more secure between homes.
At the heart of Parenting Coordination is the belief that court should be the last resort, not the first.
The focus is not blame but problem solving.
When parents find ways to make the orders work in real life, they create a calmer, more predictable environment for their tamariki. That stability helps children thrive across both homes.
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.
The long summer break can be a welcome pause for families. There is more flexibility, later nights, fewer alarms, and a chance to step away from the usual routines.
But when February arrives, many separated parents notice a familiar challenge: getting children back into everyday rhythms across two households.
Different holiday experiences, relaxed rules, travel, and time with extended family can all make the return to structure feel harder than expected. This is normal. Children are not misbehaving or “regressing.” They are adjusting.
At Parenting Coordination New Zealand (PCNZ), we often support families through this reset period, helping parents re-establish routines in a way that feels steady and child-centred.
Why routines matter after the holidays
Routines give children a sense of predictability and safety. After weeks of change, their nervous systems benefit from knowing what comes next.
This is especially important for children moving between two homes. When routines are unclear or inconsistent, children may show this through tiredness, irritability, resistance, or emotional outbursts.
A reset does not mean returning to strict rules overnight. It means gradually re-introducing structure in a way that feels supportive rather than punitive.
Start with the basics
Rather than trying to “fix everything” at once, focus on the foundations first.
These often include:
When these basics are in place, children usually settle more quickly, even if other routines take time to follow.
It is common for children to push back when routines return. This does not mean the routine is wrong.
From a child’s perspective, the shift from holiday freedom to structure can feel abrupt. A calm, steady response helps them adjust without escalating emotions.
You might find it helpful to:
Consistency, rather than repeated negotiation, is what helps children adapt.
In shared care arrangements, routines do not need to be identical to be effective.
What matters most is that each home is predictable in its own way. Children cope well when expectations are clear, even if they differ slightly between households.
Where possible, it can help for parents to align on a few key points, such as:
Parenting Coordination can assist families to clarify these shared expectations without reopening broader conflict.
February is not about perfection. It is about settling back into everyday life with patience and perspective.
Children often need time to recalibrate after the holidays. Small, consistent steps are more effective than sudden overhauls. When adults stay calm and predictable, children feel safer and adjust more smoothly.
At PCNZ, we support separated families to create workable routines, reduce conflict, and keep children’s wellbeing at the centre of everyday decisions.
👉 Learn more about how Parenting Coordination New Zealand can support your family.