Parenting Coordination
New Zealand
Parenting Coordination
New Zealand
Recently our co-founders presented to family law professionals explaining Parenting Coordination and how it helps parents.
This webinar explains parenting coordination through the eyes of a child, Lily, also covering core concepts related to Parenting Coordination and how it differs from other processes, roles, and interventions in the family law system.
One situation that arises regularly in Parenting Coordination work involves school communication.
A teacher sends an email about an upcoming school activity. Both parents receive the message because the school has both parents listed as contacts.
One parent replies immediately with questions about the event and offers to organise transport. Within minutes the other parent responds, frustrated that the first parent replied without discussing it first.
What began as a simple school communication quickly becomes a disagreement between the parents.
In situations like this, both parents often believe they are acting appropriately.
One parent may feel it is completely normal to respond directly to the school. From their perspective they are simply being proactive and engaged in their child’s education.
The other parent may feel that school communication should be discussed between the parents first. They may believe that replying without consultation undermines the shared parenting structure.
Before long the discussion shifts away from the school activity itself and becomes a broader dispute about respect, decision-making, and communication.
In most cases, the disagreement is not really about the school email.
The issue is that each parent has a different expectation about how communication with the school should occur.
One parent expects direct communication with the school whenever necessary.
The other expects the parents to coordinate responses before communicating externally.
Neither expectation is necessarily unreasonable. The difficulty is that the parenting arrangements may not clearly address how situations like this should be handled.
Without shared expectations, small everyday parenting situations can quickly trigger repeated conflict.
During Parenting Coordination sessions, situations like this are explored carefully with both parents.
The focus is not on determining who was right or wrong in the original situation. Instead the conversation shifts toward understanding each parent’s expectations.
Once those expectations are identified, the Parenting Coordinator helps the parents develop a practical approach for handling similar situations in the future.
For example, parents might agree on a simple communication protocol about school matters. They may agree that certain communications can be handled directly, while others should first be discussed between the parents.
These practical agreements help prevent the same misunderstanding from recurring.
Once expectations are clarified, many of these disputes disappear.
The next time a school email arrives, both parents understand how communication will be handled. Instead of debating the issue again, they follow the agreed process.
The situation that previously triggered conflict becomes routine.
Situations like this illustrate a common pattern in post-separation parenting disputes.
Parents are not necessarily refusing to follow parenting arrangements. Instead they are interpreting the arrangements differently or bringing different assumptions about how everyday parenting decisions should operate.
Parenting Coordination helps families identify these differences and develop practical agreements that reduce conflict over time.
Parenting Coordination New Zealand | Your Pathway to Positive Parenting
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.
The long summer break can be a welcome pause for families. There is more flexibility, later nights, fewer alarms, and a chance to step away from the usual routines.
But when February arrives, many separated parents notice a familiar challenge: getting children back into everyday rhythms across two households.
Different holiday experiences, relaxed rules, travel, and time with extended family can all make the return to structure feel harder than expected. This is normal. Children are not misbehaving or “regressing.” They are adjusting.
At Parenting Coordination New Zealand (PCNZ), we often support families through this reset period, helping parents re-establish routines in a way that feels steady and child-centred.
Why routines matter after the holidays
Routines give children a sense of predictability and safety. After weeks of change, their nervous systems benefit from knowing what comes next.
This is especially important for children moving between two homes. When routines are unclear or inconsistent, children may show this through tiredness, irritability, resistance, or emotional outbursts.
A reset does not mean returning to strict rules overnight. It means gradually re-introducing structure in a way that feels supportive rather than punitive.
Start with the basics
Rather than trying to “fix everything” at once, focus on the foundations first.
These often include:
When these basics are in place, children usually settle more quickly, even if other routines take time to follow.
It is common for children to push back when routines return. This does not mean the routine is wrong.
From a child’s perspective, the shift from holiday freedom to structure can feel abrupt. A calm, steady response helps them adjust without escalating emotions.
You might find it helpful to:
Consistency, rather than repeated negotiation, is what helps children adapt.
In shared care arrangements, routines do not need to be identical to be effective.
What matters most is that each home is predictable in its own way. Children cope well when expectations are clear, even if they differ slightly between households.
Where possible, it can help for parents to align on a few key points, such as:
Parenting Coordination can assist families to clarify these shared expectations without reopening broader conflict.
February is not about perfection. It is about settling back into everyday life with patience and perspective.
Children often need time to recalibrate after the holidays. Small, consistent steps are more effective than sudden overhauls. When adults stay calm and predictable, children feel safer and adjust more smoothly.
At PCNZ, we support separated families to create workable routines, reduce conflict, and keep children’s wellbeing at the centre of everyday decisions.
👉 Learn more about how Parenting Coordination New Zealand can support your family.
Introducing a new partner after separation can be one of the most sensitive moments for a family. Even when a relationship feels settled and positive for the adult, children often experience a mix of curiosity, worry, loyalty conflicts, and uncertainty.
At Parenting Coordination New Zealand (PCNZ), we support families through this transition by keeping the focus where it belongs, on the child’s emotional safety and sense of stability.
For children, the introduction of a new partner can raise unspoken questions:
Children may not voice these worries directly, but they often show them through behaviour, withdrawal, or emotional reactions.
Understanding this helps parents move forward with care rather than urgency.
There is rarely a need to rush introductions. Children benefit when new relationships are:
Introducing a partner too early, or during an emotionally unsettled time, can overwhelm children and increase tension between parents.
A helpful question to ask is:
“Is this introduction for my child’s benefit, or for my own comfort?”
Keep the role of a new partner clear
New partners should not step into a parenting role immediately. Children need time to adjust and build trust at their own pace.
Helpful boundaries include:
Children feel safer when their world expands slowly and predictably.
Where possible and safe, informing the other parent ahead of time can reduce misunderstandings and conflict. This does not require permission; just clarity.
Keeping communication factual and child-focused helps prevent children from being placed in the middle or feeling responsible for adult reactions.
Children may test boundaries or express emotions after an introduction. This is normal.
Parents can support adjustment by:
Children adjust best when adults remain steady and emotionally available.
Introducing a new partner is not a single event. It is a process. Children may need time to understand what this new relationship means for them.
When parents move slowly, communicate clearly, and prioritise emotional safety, children are more likely to adapt with confidence.
At PCNZ, we help families navigate complex transitions with clarity, structure, and a strong child-centred focus.
Learn more about how Parenting Coordination New Zealand can support your family.
As a Parenting Coordinator, I often see how small actions between parents can speak volumes to their children. One moment, one routine, can quietly tell a story. Not through words, but through what children see and feel.
One family I worked with taught me just how powerful those unspoken messages can be.
These parents met at a local park for their changeovers. Their court orders simply said that changeover would happen there.
But what the orders did not say, and what I observed, was the impact of how they were doing it.
Each parent parked in a different place: one at the top of a steep hill, the other at the bottom. Neither moved from their position. When the children arrived, they had to carry their own bags up or down that hill to reach the other parent. No greetings. No smiles. No conversation.
Just a silent climb.
It struck me how literal the scene was. These children were climbing a mountain every time they moved between homes.
Children are remarkably perceptive. They read meaning into everything their parents do, and what they do not do.
When parents avoid each other completely, the message that children receive is that the parents cannot even be in the same space and cannot share a moment without tension. Over time, that silence can tell a child: “This is too hard. You are the problem that connects us.”
Children often see themselves as part of both parents. So when one parent avoids the other, the child can interpret that as rejection of a part of themselves. It can leave them feeling torn, anxious, or guilty for loving both parents.
That is not something court orders or parenting plans can fix on their own. It is something that needs understanding, reflection, and change.
In our parenting coordination work together, I gently helped the parents reflect on what those actions might be saying to their children.
At first, they resisted the idea that this small detail could matter. They said, “We are just following the orders.” But we explored what their children might feel walking alone up or down that hill.
Through discussion and reflection, the parents began to see how their behaviour, though unintended, might be creating emotional distance. They agreed to try something new.
At the next changeover, they parked closer together. One parent helped the children with their bags. The other smiled and said hello. It was simple, brief, and respectful.
But it was a start.
And as those moments built up, the children began to feel more secure. They no longer had to climb the hill alone, literally or emotionally.
Parenting coordination is not about perfection. It is about progress. It helps parents see how their interactions shape their children’s sense of safety and belonging.
In this case, a small change sent a powerful new message:
“You are safe. You don't have to choose between us.”
And that, for children, can make all the difference.
If any part of this story feels familiar, know that change is possible. Parenting coordination helps parents find new ways to communicate and resolve issues that keep conflict alive.
Sometimes, it starts with something as small as changing how you do a changeover.
You can learn more about Parenting Coordination in Aotearoa New Zealand and find a Parenting Coordinator via our Parenting Coordination directory.
I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.
Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.
I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.