Graduating from parenting coordination: learning to communicate from scratch

Not every family I work with has a history of conflict that needs to be untangled. Some have almost no history of communication at all.

In one parenting coordination matter, the parents had never lived together. Their relationship ended during pregnancy, and they went their separate ways. They had a child together, but they had never built a pattern of communication before the separation.

When their parenting orders were made, they were expected to start talking about their child’s day-to-day needs for the first time. That can be a huge challenge. These parents weren’t hostile; they were strangers learning to parent together.

The orders included a stepped increase in the child’s time with the parent she didn’t live with. This was to help her develop a secure attachment with both parents. It was a thoughtful arrangement, but like many orders I see, it included some ambiguity.

The parents needed to discuss things such as when the next increase would start, how their child was coping, and what adjustments were needed. But because they had never learned to communicate as co-parents, every message carried tension.

Parenting coordination gave us a space to explore how each parent was interpreting the orders. We worked through the wording, clarified what each stage meant, and focused on reducing misunderstandings.

To make things easier, I suggested that they create a shared Google Calendar and went through it with them. It showed exactly when their child was with each parent, including the planned increases. This visual tool reduced confusion and removed many unnecessary arguments.

Every time the child was due to transition to a longer visit, we met to check that both parents understood the plan. Those meetings gave them a safe, structured space to communicate. Over time, they began to speak more easily and with less defensiveness.

Parenting coordination has the capacity for people to progress through and achieve things that at the beginning of the process they could not have imagined. Often, there has been too much conflict, too much history, or a lack of trust. In many cases, parents have just come through lengthy court proceedings, as these parents had, after a two-year case.

Parent coordination is designed to rebuild confidence, step by step. We start small, checking in regularly to make sure both parents are comfortable before moving forward. It is not about forcing people to communicate before they are ready; it is about creating enough safety that, in time, they choose to.

When they first came to me, these parents were not prepared to speak to each other at all. They were only comfortable communicating in writing or in parenting coordination sessions with me.

As their trust grew over time, I asked if they would consider having a coffee together to talk about how their daughter was progressing. It would be the first time they had ever met face-to-face outside of a formal setting.

One of the parents smiled and said:

And that was exactly what they did. They met in a public place, had a coffee, and spoke calmly. It was a huge step forward and a proud moment for them both.

Improving communication in parenting coordination is not just about reducing arguments. It is about building emotional safety for the children. When parents communicate clearly, children feel secure. They no longer have to worry about whether messages will be passed on or if plans will change suddenly.

I often remind parents that calm parents create calm children. When parents stop reacting out of stress and start responding with clarity, children feel the difference. They settle more easily between homes and develop stronger relationships with both parents.

If you are struggling to communicate with your coparent, parent coordination can help. It gives you tools to rebuild trust and reduce misunderstandings, so your children can feel safe and supported.

If you are a professional who wants to learn more about improving communication in parenting coordination, visit our website or join the waitlist to be part of our founding Parenting Coordination training group.

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.