“Do you and Dad not hate each other anymore?”

In my work as a Parenting Coordinator, I often see how teenagers carry the emotional weight of their parents’ conflict. One family in particular stands out. The parents hadn’t spoken directly to each other in years. Every changeover took place at a local shopping centre car park, under the watchful eye of a CCTV camera. Each parent brought a witness. No one spoke. The children simply walked between the two cars.

Both parents described their teenage daughter, Mary, as being “difficult.” One parent even called her “a right madam.” To me, it was clear that Mary was struggling with far more than typical teenage behaviour.

When I spoke to her parents, they told me that at her mum’s house, Mary wouldn’t speak about or to her dad. She wouldn’t text or call him. When she was at her dad’s house, she did exactly the same in reverse: no mention of her mum, no messages, no phone calls. She had completely separated her two worlds.

I believed that Mary felt trapped in a war zone, where any connection with one parent might be seen as a betrayal of the other. That’s a heavy burden for any child to carry.

I talked with both parents about how their changeovers might feel from Mary’s perspective. I asked them to try something different. The parent who was handing over the children would walk to the other parent’s car. The receiving parent would open the boot. They would say a simple hello. They would share one small, practical piece of information.

Something like, “We went swimming today, so the kids’ togs and towels are wet” or, “There’s some leftover food in the lunch boxes that might need to be emptied.”

It wasn’t about being friends. It was about showing their children that they could be civil, polite, and cooperative.

Both parents agreed to give it a go.

At our next meeting, the mother told me what had happened. After that first new changeover, as they were driving away, a voice piped up from the backseat. It was Mary, who usually said nothing on the way home from changeover.

It gave both parents pause. In that one simple sentence, Mary revealed how deeply she had felt caught between them. It was a goosebumps moment for all of us. That one small act of kindness and respect had shifted her entire sense of emotional safety.

What Mary was really asking was, 

Teenagers are especially sensitive to the tension between their parents. They are forming their own identities, and when they see hostility between the people they come from, it can make them feel divided inside.

Children see themselves as half of each parent. When they think one parent hates the other, they can start to believe that one half of themselves is hated too. That’s why even the smallest moments of cooperation are powerful. They show children that both parts of them are accepted and valued.

Parenting coordination and teenagers often intersect when families have long-standing conflict. By modelling respect, parents can help their teenagers feel secure and supported. Changeovers are not just logistical handovers. They are emotional moments that send messages about belonging, love, and safety.

As a Parenting Coordinator, I often tell parents that it’s not grand gestures that matter most. It’s the tone, the body language, the quick smile, the acknowledgment that you are both still parenting the same child. When parents take these small steps, children notice. And sometimes, like Mary, they let you know just how much it means.

If this story resonates with you, know that help is available. Parenting coordination can make a real difference for teenagers living between two homes.

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.