Hearing the child’s voice: child inclusion in parenting coordination

In some families I work with in parent coordination, parents have orders in place but still struggle to make them work. One recent case showed how powerful it can be when children are finally heard.

The parents had separated when their children were very young. Years later, one of the children was refusing to travel to spend time with the parent they did not live with. Both parents were worried and frustrated. They each had their own ideas about what was behind the resistance, but no one had asked the child.

When I reviewed the history, I discovered that because the children were so young when the relationship ended, no professional had ever met with them. They had never had a proper opportunity to share their experiences. Their voice had been missing from every conversation about them.

I explained to the parents that sometimes, to move forward, we need to understand what life feels like from the child’s perspective. That is where child inclusion in parenting coordination can help.

I engaged an experienced child consultant, someone with decades of experience meeting with children and working in the family law space. The consultant’s role was not therapy or counselling. It was simply to give the children a safe space to talk about their experiences in each home and what mattered most to them.

The children were given time and space to speak freely. The consultant helped them express what they enjoyed, what felt hard, and what they wished their parents understood.

When the consultant met with them, one of the children said something that struck all of us deeply:

That sentence said everything. For the first time, someone had invited the child’s voice into the process. Being heard changed how she felt about the situation. She became calmer and more open with both parents.

When I met with the parents again, we talked about what the consultant had learned from the children. They were surprised by some of what they heard. Each had been focused on their own perspective of what was happening. Neither had realised how difficult it had been for the children to carry the weight of that tension.

Hearing the children’s words directly, through the consultant’s feedback, helped the parents see the situation differently. They began to focus less on blame and more on creating a plan that felt safe for their children. The resistance to changeovers eased.

Child inclusive parenting coordination is not about asking children to make decisions. It is about giving them a voice in a safe and supported way. When children feel heard, they feel valued. When parents listen, they gain a deeper understanding of what their children need to thrive.

In this case, hearing the children’s voices shifted the whole family dynamic. The parents were able to move from frustration to empathy. The children felt lighter because the adults were now working with, rather than around, them.

If you are a parent finding it difficult to understand what your children need, child-inclusive parenting coordination may help. It gives children a voice in a safe, supported way and helps parents see things through their children’s eyes.

If you are a professional who works with separated families, consider how child inclusive parenting coordination can make a difference. Visit our website to learn more or join the waitlist to be part of our founding Parenting Coordination training group.

I am Jennifer Hetherington, a Parenting Coordinator, Mediator, and Family Dispute Resolution Provider.

Having worked as a Parent Coordinator in Australia since 2019, I was the first Parenting Coordinator in Aotearoa New Zealand and am the founder of Parenting Coordination New Zealand.

I help separated parents across Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia reduce conflict, problem solve and build healthier coparenting relationships.